What I Learned From a Woman's Magazine

What I Learned From a Woman's Magazine By David LeonhardtIt's amazing what you can learn about marketing if you can just find the time to spend in a dentist's waiting room. I was reading a certain woman's magazine, which will remain nameless because of my allergy to lawsuits. The magazine obviously has figured out what sells well, given that it operates on a consistent formula. For instance, one cover proclaims: "3 sizes slimmer by Memorial Day". Then, in one corner is a picture of "Cookies 'n Cream Cake", while in another corner is a picture of "'Lollipups' to brighten someone's day".On another cover, the main headline is: "Lose that BELLY FAT!", while a secondary headline asks, "Can't stop binging?" Just to make sure that readers can answer, "Yes", there is a nice picture in the corner of a "Banana Split Cookie Cake" labeled "Yum!", and the promise of "Family-pleasing Pasta dinners" inside.See a pattern? Let's try one more. The big headline reads: "Lose 28 lbs by Thanksgiving". How? Perhaps the big picture of a "Oreo Cookie Cheesecake" labeled "Yum!" will give us a hint. Or the promise of "Best-ever Potluck recipes".OK. By now I am sure you see the pattern. That's right – poor grammar, punctuation and capitalization. The other pattern is, of course, the secret success formula:1.Offer you a way to lose weight2.Tempt you to put the weight right back on 3.Offer you another way to lose weightI pointed this out to my dentist, hoping he might decide to increase the quality of reading material in his waiting room. The next week, I returned to find that my observation had obviously made an impression on him. There was all new reading material: Yummy Deserts Magazine, Best Cakes Review, and The Sugar Mountain Weekly.I noticed the décor had changed, too. Gone were the bare beige walls. Up were larger-than-life posters of cookies, cakes and ice cream. And strategically placed around the room were candy dishes."What's with all the changes?" I asked."It's all your idea," he said. "You are a marketing genius. If I can get people to start working on their next cavities as they are walking out from my office, I can increase my business by up to 17%."As he began to work in my mouth, I noticed a TV screen above. "Datz nuu," I said."Oh yes," he answered, flicking a button. "See? I have it set at the All-Sugar Channel."The dentist finished excavating and reassembled what was left of my mouth."Here you go," He said proudly, handing me a lollipop."Didn't you used to hand out toothbrushes?" I asked."Shh. Don't remind anybody of that. Toothbrushes are bad for business," he explained. I just could not believe what I had seen. I headed over to the body shop to see how my car was doing. A few repairs were needed, thanks to some bozo on a cell phone who thought that a red light means "stop when you hit another car"."How's my car doing, Jack?" I asked."It's OK. You didn't get hit too hard," he replied."Good thing he was only talking on a cell phone and not watching a game show on TV when he hit me," I remarked. "Hey did you see what's going on at the dentist?""Yeah, what's he doing with all those cookie posters in his waiting room?" Jack asked.I explained how the woman's magazine was building its customer base by tempting dieters with cakes labeled "yum!""It's the dentist's new business development program," I said.I was about to pay for the repair work when Jack held out a cell phone and a mini-TV set. "If you take the cell phone, I give you a five percent discount. Take the TV set and you get a ten percent discount.""What are you, doing?" I demanded."Hey," replied Jack. "It's my new business development program."